Meanderings...

Where and how to begin. This page will have all kinds of stuff. Just about all of it will be text, and the content will meander all over the map.

Surprise, surprise...

Hit any key to continue? Yeah, right! Go to Computer Humor.
How do YOU deal with stress?? Here's 30...um..."Stress Relief Alternatives".
How much Coffee do YOU drink...?
YOU MIGHT BE IN THE EMS FIELD IF....... - As a Paramedic, I cannot guarantee that some of these won't make you ill or groan. All non-Paramedics proceed with caution...go to Paramedic Humor.
Comments - Personal sidenotes. Updated VERY semi-regularly...
E-mail signatures - (Per your request, Ro...)
Poetry of differing themes...
Puns...
More to come later!

YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN:

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Community."
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
All your kids are named "Joe."
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy milk by the barrel.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Coffee Drinkers Prayer (Abridged, NCV (New Cajun Version))

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures.
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz.
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal (tm), for thou art with me.
Thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Community.
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the House of Coffee forever.

Stress Relief Alternatives

Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says "have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
Make a list of things that you've already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' wife.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the "Flintstones" during that important finance meeting.
Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
Refresh yourself. Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
Tell your boss to blow it out of his toupe and let him figure it out.
Polish your car with ear wax.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
Braid the hairs in each nostril.
Write a short story using alphabet soup.
Lie on your back eating celery....using your navel as a salt dipper.
Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Make up a language and ask people for directions to vW/{KoY(d[WkY--

YOU MIGHT BE IN THE EMS FIELD IF.......

Discussing dismemberment over gourmet meals seems normal for you.
Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
You find humor in other peoples stupidity.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.
You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis.
You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
You believe that the major food groups are McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy’s, and Taco Bell.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet around here."
You’re out in public and you compliment a complete stranger on their great veins.
You have ever referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the "eternal care facility".
Your idea of a really good time is providing patients for dueling trauma rooms.
You don’t think a referral to Dr. Kervorkian is inappropriate for this patient.
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "SUICIDE...Getting It Right the First Time".
You have ever had to leave a patient’s room before you began to laugh uncontrollably.
The most commonly uttered phrase on the night shift is: "What changed tonight at 0200 that makes it an emergency after six months?".
You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.
You have ever referred to your partner as a "_ _ _ _ magnet".
You believe that your cot should be supplied with a Valium saltlick.
When you mention vegetables you’re not referring to the food group.
You’re totally astounded when someone speaks English.
Your patient states, "I have no idea how that got stuck in there".
You can identify the "positive teeth-to-tattoo" ratio.
You have your weekends marked and planned for one year.
You marvel at the mystery of how people forget how to drive when it starts raining.
You mention a patients name and medics from 50 miles away know who you’re referring to.
You’ve heard of something called a "bed", but can’t quite identify one...
A wall in the emergency room is a perfectly comfortable spot to sleep on...
Sleep? What’s "sleep"?
Carving a turkey at Thanksgiving causes you to say, "Hey, this reminds me of a cool call I ran..."
A good call is one in which someone else is either killed, dismembered, disemboweled, beheaded, or you get to run through every algorhythm known in Advanced Cardiac Care.
Someone mentions getting a patient to a hospital via the "Paramedic Dribble", and you understand them.
"Popping a line" has nothing to do fishing.
You’ve ever had a patient say to a nurse, "Why can’t you get that vein? That paramedic got it on the first try and he was bouncing down the Interstate!"
You believe that "Drip Rate" is the number of dispatchers that go through the Communications Center in any given hour.
Your definition of a "Dead Giveaway" is a possible organ donor.
Your definition of "The Call From Hell" involves an overturned busload of oriental foreigners, a rainstorm, the single fatality was the translator, and your partner has been an EMT for ONE WHOLE DAY now….