I've oft heard it said that puns are told for two reasons:  Cause laughter, and inflict pain.
Here is an exercise in the latter.
You see, my name is Sithspit, and I'm a paronomasiac.
What does this mean?  It means that I love puns...it's for this reason that some of my friends were shocked that I'd never read Spider Robinson and had never heard of Callahan's Place.  Finally, after much procrastination, I picked up some of Spider's books.
I had finally arrived home.
Pick them up for yourself...you won't be sorry.  Um, well, maybe, if you don't like puns...;-)

So, your puns and I'll include them...I want to make the world groan...

If you want to see even more puns, visit punliners.com...they've got thousands!

   of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel graciously gave permission to post THIS ARTICLE in its entirety...pun warning in full effect!

• One day, Jesus said to his disciples: "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3 x^2 + 8 x - 9."
  
  A man who had just joined the disciples looked very confused and asked Peter: "What, on Earth, does he mean by that?"
  
  Peter smiled. "Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."
  
  
  
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  
  
  
• Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He'd spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.
  
  Finally, Finn went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trom looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Trom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that and, most critically, one part sodium.
  
  "You mean?" Jim said when told.
  
  "Yes," said Tom, "They needed mono-sodium glue to mate."
  
  
  
• Kimberly Horowitz, an Israeli immigrant, was a world champion skier, an expert at the winding, weaving style of skiing called the slalom. She was so good, she broke world records with ease, all the while wearing a beatific smile and projecting an air of complete relaxation. Though skiing energized her, she often claimed to achieve a sort of peaceful, zen-like calm when skiing.
  
  One day, the Prime Minister of Israel, who was a fan of Ms. Horowitz, decided to approach her and see if she could teach him her method of relaxation while skiing. She accepted, and the PM eventually achieved the same level of inner calm that she did, all the while enjoying the invigorating sensations as well.
  
  This worked so well for the PM, all of his important summit meetings were held at a ski slope. Before each meeting, he would do a run down the mountain, often coming to a halt before his visitors, straight from his run.
  
  This way, he could greet each visitor with a rousing Slalom a la Kim.
  
  
• Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.
   
  Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.  After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent.
   
  In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in.  Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move.
   
  Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye.  The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
   
  Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy.
   
  And who can blame them?
  
  No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
   
  
• Once upon a time, far away in the ancient land of Persia, the ruler of the country was called the Shah and his wife was known as the Shahnee.
  
  And it came to pass, in the fullness of time, that the Shahnee gave birth to a son, and this son, being the heir to the Peacock Throne was given the title of Shan.
  
  It soon transpired that all was not well with the young Shan and wise men were summoned from all over the kingdom to the palace. They examined the Shan carefully; then they instructed the scribes to write out enormous bills,; then they informed the Shah and the Shahnee that their son, the Shan, heir to the Peacock Throne, was epileptic.
  
  Now in those days there was no Medicare or super-efficient public or private hospital system such as we enjoy in America today; there was not much that could be done about his condition. So the wise men got together, got their scribes to write out some more enormous bills and recommended to the Shah that he appoint some special bodyguards to take care of the Shan and watch over him all the time.
  
  And it was so.
  
  Everywhere the little Shan went, the bodyguard went, too, watching over him and taking care of him.
  
  For a while, all was well, but then, one day, when many months had passed without any untoward incident, the bodyguard grew complacent.
  
  The time came when he left the Shan alone while he indulged in amorous dalliance with one of the ladies of the court.
  
  And of course, it was at this time that the young Shan had an epileptic seizure and, being unattended injured himself.
  
  Great was the commotion in the Palace and the Shah waxed wroth. Summoning the bodyguard into his presence he angrily demanded, "Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?"
  
  
• Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there. Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one said, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
  
  "I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
  
  Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turned to the other Brother and said "Then you must be....?"
  
  Brother Michael sighed and said, "Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."
  
  
• A pirate captain was out to retrieve his buried treasure. After months of hard sailing his ship caught sight of land,  the land to which his treasure map had been leading. He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island. Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his First Mate bravely entered the swamp.  Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the pirate's feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp. It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest. Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination. The Captain turned to his First Mate and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"
  
  
• A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
  
  "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
  
  Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
  
  The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
  
  She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
  
  The bank manager looks back at her and says...
  
  "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
  
  
• A man goes to his proctologist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every time I fart, it sounds like, "Honda."
  The doctor says, "You mean you say, 'Honda?'"
  "No," the man says. "My farts do."
  "OK, open your mouth," says the doctor and looks inside. After a minute the doctor says, "I'm sorry, I can't help you, you need to go see a dentist."
  The man asks, "Why a dentist?"
  The doctor answers, "Because you have an absessed tooth."
  "What the heck does that have to do with my condition?"
  The doctor says, "Well, didn't you know? Absess makes the farts go Honda!"
  
  
• A man is at the dentist's office for a routine appointment when the dentist notices that the patient's plate is severely corroded; however, he can't figure out why.
  The dentist says to the patient, "I've noticed that your plate is severely corroded. Have you had a change in your diet recently?"
  The patient replied, "Why yes sir. Six months ago my wife introduced me to eggs benedict. I fell in love with the hollandaise sauce and now I put it on everything."
  "That's it!" The dentist cried.  " The hollandaise sauce contains lemon juice which is very acidic. That explains the corrosion of your plate. I can replace your plate, but I will have to make it out of chrome."
  "Why chrome?", asked the patient.
  "Why, didn't I tell you? There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
  
  
• Most people don't know that in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.
  The people of Mexico eagerly awaited the first delivery and were very upset at the news of the sinking. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
  It is known, of course, as "Sinko de Mayo".
  
  
• Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister.
  The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known.
  Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.
  
  
• It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He was waiting for his friend Opie to arrive so they could go for a cruise.
  Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment went overtime, and Opie was late getting to the marina.
  Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke.
  Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.
  
  
• Latest terrorist news:
  At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
  
  At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
  
  "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."
  
  As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.
  
  When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
  
  I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
  
  President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."
  
  Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."
  
  
• Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
  "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
  "With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
  "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
  "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan!"
  
  
• After the Ark had successfully landed on Mt. Ararat, the survivors went forth. After a while, one of the wives noticed her father-in-law sitting on the ground and chewing animal hides. Every now and then, the father-in-law would chew a particularly hirsute hide and make a notation on a tablet.
  The wife asked her husband what his father was doing, to which the son replied, "What can I say, there is Noah counting fur tastes."
  
  
• Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking. Hans ran inside to get help, yelling "Mom! Dad! Come quick! There's a Franc in Stein!"
  
  
• In 1873, a team of German explorers and their three dogs decided to penetrate the heart of the South American jungle. After twelve years, they had set up a fort in an Incan town, the centerpiece of which was a large idol with a huge ruby for an eye.
  The German church had sent out their best man, Friar Wilhelm Werks three times to check on the progress of the fort, and each time the appearance of the idol had sent him into fits of screaming, complete with shouts, curses, and rending of garments. Each time, he screamed so loud that he sent the dogs running for cover. And each time, he left with a warning that the next time he visited, the idol had better be torn down.
  The commander of the fort, Hans Brickner, received a message that the Friar would be coming to visit again in a fortnight. He quickly called a meeting with his top commanders. All five agreed that the Friar would explode when he saw the idol still standing.
  "But," said Commander Brickner, "there's nothing to be done. If we take down the idol, we will anger the local tribe, and without their cooperation we're dead."
  His second-in-command, Herr Kommandant Wagner said, "In that case, we'd better make sure we put the dogs away."
  "Why?"
  "You know how scared the dogs get when Friar Werks goes off on the Fort of Jewel Eye."
  
  
• There probably aren't many Jewish girls dancing at Radio City Music Hall, but it doesn't take a Rockette Zionist to figure that one out.
  
  
• Will a coin go crazy if it's de-minted?
  
  
• John decided life would be much easier if he had a clone. So he had one made and sent him to work in his place while he stayed home and relaxed.
  Soon this backfired when the clone came home and said he'd been fired for making sexual comments to the women in the office.
  John decided he had to get rid of his clone before things got any worse. He took his clone to the top of a tall building and pushed him off. Unfortunately, someone saw John and called the cops on him.
  He was duly arrested and convicted for making an obscene clone fall.
  
  
• It was one week before finals at the University of California, Berkeley, and everyone in my comparative religion class was frantic because of all the complex words and ideas we needed to know. The professor had just finished reviewing an Eastern concept he identified as Taoist, when a frazzled student protested, "But you said that was a Buddhist belief!"
  The professor looked up with a smirk and said, "I'm afraid not. You see, that was Zen. This is Tao."
  
  
• The yearly competition for the best fish dish in Boston was underway, and the contest came down to two chefs, each of equal skill and training, and similar ideals in food preparation.  At the last moment, one chef was inspired and whipped up a Taragon and Dill sauce to put over his fish.  His entry won the contest.
  His competitor lamented, "There but for the glaze of cod go I!"
  
  
• Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches have dropped dead from old age.
  In the monkey cage he discovers two of the oldest chimps have also kicked the bucket.
  "Waste not want not", so he puts them in a sack with the finches and later tosses them in the lion's cage at feeding time.
  "Oh No!," roared the lion, "not finch and chimps again!"
  
  
• Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
  
  
• A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
  The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
  
  
• A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
  
  
• A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the witch doctor looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
  
  
• Back in the 1800s the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
  
  
• A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
  
  
• An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.  The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
  
  
• A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
  
  
• If you make a duplicate image of an electronic Bible, is that a Holy Ghost?
  
  
• If Cher had a twin sister, would that be Cher and Cher alike?
  
  
• If a choir comes back for an encore on demand, is that a re-choir-ment?
  
  
• If you give books on happiness as gifts, is that presents of mind?
  
  
• If twin sisters had a skin rash, and a flake from it blows in their eyes, is that a double case of sore eye a sis?
  
  
• Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
  
  
• Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
  
  
• Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
  
  
• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
  
  
• A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  
  
• Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  
  
• A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  
  
• A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
  
  
• These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
  
  
• There was a Rabbi who was shipwrecked on an island. He knew that there was no way he could get off so he decided to make the best of it.
  
  One day in his exploration of the island he came across an interesting tribe of people. They devised some kind of communication and he found out they called themselves Trids. He asked if he could join the tribe. The Trids said yes. So the Rabbi did everything that the Trids did.
  One day, about a month after the Rabbi joined the Trids, there was a loud trumpet sounding. The Trids all lined up and started walking up the hill. The Rabbi joined them thinking it was some religious ceremony. The Trids stopped on top of a cliff by the sea, all in a straight line. The Rabbi followed. Then a giant came out of the woods and began to kick each Trid off the cliff. The giant passed the Rabbi and continued to kicked the Trids off the cliff. When the Giant was finished, the Rabbi went to the Giant and asked why he didn't get kicked off. The Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
  
  
• And finally, there was a man who sent 10 different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.