I love this guy's site..."It Came From Tech Support"

Links to the sections on this page:

The REAL Meaning of "MCSE"...

Computer Translations

Computer Terminology - Part 1

Computer Terminology - Part 2

Klingon Progammer Logic

The REAL Meaning of "MCSE"...

• "Mayday", Called Some Experts
  
• Mad Consultants Slurping Ethanol
  
• Madly Causing Slashdot Effect
  
• Mail Consumed Somewhere in Exchange
  
• Mainframe Computers Seemed Extinct
  
• Maintenance Contracts Seem Expensive
  
• Maintenance Costs Significantly Extra
  
• Making Companies Surrender Everyday
  
• Making Computers Slow Everyday
  
• Making Computers Spew Errors
  
• Making Computers Susceptible to Exploit
  
• Making Cretins Self-Employed
  
• Maledictis Confutatious Sounds Exquisite
  
• Management Can't Send E-mail
  
• Management Conned by Something Expensive
  
• Management Coronaries Soon Enough
  
• Management Caught Screenfuls of Erotica
  
• Managers Contain Significant Egos
  
• Managing Computers by Slapdash Empiricism
  
• Managing Crap Systems Everyday
  
• Manipulative Closed-Source Economics
  
• Many Collisions Saturate Ethernet
  
• Marginal Computer Software Enthusiast
  
• Marketing Cancels Software Efficiency
  
• Marksmanship Can Solve Everything
  
• Mass C Squared is Energy
  
• Massive Computational Solar Eclipse
  
• Massive Cyberspace Sheepshearing Empire
  
• Maybe Could Suggest Exorcism
  
• MCSE Classes Suspect Exploitation
  
• Me-too Computer Science Education
  
• Meandering Cosmicrays 'Sodded Explorer
  
• Megabytes Can Soon Evaporate
  
• Meowing Cats Suggest Evil
  
• Microsoft Certified Slave of the Empire
  
• Microsoft Constantly Screws Everyone
  
• Migrane-Causing Suckage Extravaganza
  
• Millenium Caused Societal Extinction
  
• Mindf*cked Computers Swapping Egregiously
  
• Minesweeper Consultant / Solitaire Expert
  
• Minesweeper Consultant, Solitaire Engineer
  
• Minimally Cheerful Software Experience
  
• Minimizing Competence is So Exhausting
  
• Minion of the Crappy Software Empire
  
• Mischief Causing Shipwrecked Equipment
  
• Misconceived Computer Science Experiment
  
• Misguided Consultant Slagging Eunuchs
  
• Misunderstanding Cryptically Strange Errors
  
• Moe and Curly's Software Emporium
  
• Molasses Comparatively Seems Expeditious
  
• Molotov Cocktails Shutdown Electricity
  
• Monetary Compensation Sounds Exciting
  
• Mongolian Clusterf*ck Swallows Everything
  
• Monkeys Composing Shakespearian Equivalents
  
• Moot Crypto Software is Exportable
  
• More Co-opted Standards Everyday
  
• Morning Comes So Early
  
• Moron Confused by Sun Equipment
  
• Morons Crudely Simulating Expertise
  
• Mortifying Crackle of Static Electricity
  
• Most Computers Suck Eggs
  
• Most Computers Suck Exasperatingly
  
• Motherboard Chips Simulate Encephalopathy
  
• Mountebank Causing Significant Expenses
  
• Mouse Clickings of Sophomoric Experimentation
  
• Mouse Clicks Selected "Erase"
  
• Mozilla Couldn't Stomach Explorer
  
• Multiple Corrective Servicepack Exorcist
  
• Must Consult Someone Experienced
  
• Must... Contain... STR. Eaaaaaaaaaaaurgh!
  
• Mutant Computer Solutions Evangelist
  
• Mutant Computers Seem Eviscerated
  
• Mutated CP/M System Emulator
  
• Mutated Convoluted Strokery Everywhere
  
• My Cat Studies Ecclesiastes
  
• My Company Screws Everyone
  
• My Computer's Software Exploded
  
• My Cranium Softened Easily

Computer Translations

What Your Computer Is Trying To Tell You:

• It says: "Press Any Key"
  It means: "Press any key you like, but I'm not moving."
  
• It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support, quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E."
  It means: "...where you will be kept on hold for 30 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
  
• It says: "Installing program to C:\..."
  It means: "...and I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system, where you'll NEVER find them."
  
• It says: "Please insert disk 11..."
  It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
  
• It says: "Cannot read from drive D:..."
  It means: "...However, if you put the CD in right side up..."
  
• It says: "Please Wait..."
  It means: "...Indefinitely."
  
• It says: "Directory does not exist..."
  It means: "...any more. Whoops."
  
• It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
  It means: "...Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back. Kiss your afternoon goodbye..."

Computer Terminology - Part 1

• 486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
  
• State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
  
• Obsolete - Any computer you own.
  
• Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
  
• G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.
  
• Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.
  
• Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error...(see previous definition...)
  
• GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it...(pronounced "gooey")
  
• Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
  
• Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
  
• Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
  
• Portable Computer - A device invented to force business men to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
  
• Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
  
• Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
  
• System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Computer Terminology - Part 2

• Ronald Reagan virus....Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
  
• Mike Tyson virus...................Quits after one byte.
  
• Oprah Winfrey virus............Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
  
• Lorena Bobbet virus.....Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
  
• Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus....... Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
  
• Ellen Degeneres virus............Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
  
• Titanic virus.....................Makes your whole computer go down.
  
• Disney virus..................Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
  
• Prozac virus..........................Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
  
• Sharon Stone virus..............Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
  
• Tim Allen virus.....................Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
  
• Woody Allen virus..............Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
  
• Saddam Hussein virus..........Won't let you into any of your programs.
  
• Tonya Harding virus........Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
  
• George Michael virus..........Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
  
• Joey Buttafuoco virus............Only attacks minor files.
  
• X-files virus..................All your icons start shape shifting.
  
• Spice Girl virus...................Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
  
• AT&T virus..........................Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
  
• Arnold Schwarzenegger virus....Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Klingon Progammer Logic

Top things likely to be overheard if you worked with a Klingon Programmer:

• "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
  
• "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual 1.4 GHz Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
  
• "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon."
  
• "Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"
  
• "Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
  
• "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
  
• "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."
  
• "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."
  
• "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"
  
• "By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. PREPARE TO DIE!"
  
• "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"
  
• "What is this talk of 'releases'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes,' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake."